SEASON 2, Episode 1

GIRLS

SEASON 2, Episode 1

Season One Recap: Hannah’s parents are still not supporting her because she's not supposed to be a privileged white kid. Jessa got married to show how risky and edgy she is with her bad decisions. Shoshanna gave it up to Ray and resents him and hates herself. Ray just hates himself. Hannah now lives with her gay friend Elijah instead of Marnie, who she had a falling out with last season.

HANNAH: I am so glad Marnie’s not here!

ELIJAH: I have a boner, but it's not for you, Shamu.

Cut to Shoshanna's impossibly large studio.

SHOSHANNA: Dear universe please provide me with a husband and ruin Ray's life.

Marnie just had lunch with her boss.

MARNIE'S BOSS: Oh crap, I was supposed to fire you but I had too much fun shopping with you this afternoon. I run an art gallery and can't afford to have more than two employees. I kept the other guy because he is hot and I can’t have sex with you. But you're pretty so you'll be fine.

MARNIE: (Big sourpuss face.)

Bookstore with Sandy and Hannah acting cutesy

SANDY: I love how weird you are! I love being your non-token token black boyfriend for one and a half episodes!

HANNAH: I used to date slugs and am trying to be more thoughtful now. My last boyfriend was hit by a bus.

Hannah is in bed watching a movie with Adam who has a broken leg.

HANNAH: I feel so guilty about the Very Dramatic Thing that happened to you.

ADAM: I came, you came hard, I love you, I don't have to be nice the whole time.

HANNAH: Okay.

Hannah tries to sneak out unnoticed like an attractive person would do and fails.

Marnie and her mom have brunch because that's what the gals did in Sex and the City.

MARNIE: I'm so old! I'm growing up! I had a bad break-up and, like, got fired, so I'm a grown-up now.

MARNIE'S MOM: I'm the cool mom. I sleep with a cater waiter. 

Hannah has a party so all of the characters can get together in one place.

MARNIE: Hey Charlie, I still like you.

CHARLIE: I'm just waiting outside of the bathroom for my girlfriend.

HANNAH: I don't want to wear this. (Removes dress to force everyone to see her "real" body.)

ELIJAH: Hannah, please get my belligerent old boyfriend out of here. I just can’t deal with a real conflict.

GEORGE, BELLIGERENT BOYFRIEND: Wait, wha?

Hannah drags George outside and locks him outside of the building's gate. He's pissed. Obviously.

Audrey, Charlie’s new girlfriend after Marnie, stomps out of the bathroom.

MARNIE: Love is battlefield.

CHARLIE: Yeah. I'm sorry, I can't really say more than a few mumbled words at a time.

Shoshanna and Ray are alone in a room at the party.

SHOSHANNA: Get away from me. I don't have to like you. You're not my friend.

RAY: You just send me text messages with Emojis! A panda next to a gun next to a wrapped gift? It makes no sense!

SHOSHANNA: You make no sense! I'm outtie.

They make out.

Hannah is at Adam's.

HANNAH: I feel guilty so I am going to take care of you and argue with you to create conflict.

ADAM: You love me.

HANNAH. No. I feel how I feel when I feel it. It's all about ME and I! MY choice! ME ME ME!

Elijah and Marnie are chilling on Hannah's couch after the party. They're both drunk as they've just been binge drinking because what else do 20-somethings do at parties?

MARNIE: I hate giving BJs and having anal sex!

ELIJAH: You'll never be a gay man. You're a hot little bitch.

MARNIE: Fucking kiss me!

ELIJAH: Okay! I'm still discovering my sexuality so it's okay to have insie's outsie's with you on this dirty couch.

MARNIE: Wait, you're gay?!

ELIJAH: Don't roll your pretty eyes at me. Oops. I'm flaccid.

Jessa and Thomas-John are in a cab on their way back to city.

JESSA: I don't know where we live! Yippee!

Sandy's apartment. Hannah knocks and Sandy lets her in. In five swift seconds she walks in and slips out of her dress so viewers are forced to accept a giant, flabby ass in a thong in their faces. Hannah dives onto Sandy's bed.

HANNAH: Eat it!

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SEASON 2, Episode 2

GIRLS

SEASON 2, Episode 2

GEORGE: I thought you knew you were gay. I know you're young, but come-on, you enjoy musicals and butt plugs. I'm too old for this shit.

ELIJAH: Forget I fucked Marnie. It was two pumps and then I got soft!

Hannah's room. She shows Elijah a creepy video of Adam singing a depressing song to Hannah.

HANNAH: Oh my god he likes me so much I bet he's going to murder me.

Marnie is on a job interview at a gallery.

MARNIE: I got fired, but I am young and pretty and will work for free so I just don't understand how this could happen.

GALLERY DIRECTOR (to her assistant): Cup. Hot water. Tea bag. In. Out. In. Out. Stupid little girl.

MARNIE: Um.

GALLERY DIRECTOR: I could hire you, but I won't. I just don't see you in the art world.

MARNIE: But where do you see me? How else will I meet my future husband? 

Sandy, Hannah and Elijah are together.

SANDY: Not only am I black, but I am also a Republican. A total fucking outsider to make your tv show more diverse.

Ray and Shoshanna make pillow talk.

RAY: You pet the animals and you experience emotions. I can pet a pig.

SHOSHANNA: I can pet a pig, too.

Marnie walks into the apartment and complains about losing her job.

MARNIE: There aren't curator jobs anymore! I wish someone had told me that before I decided on a career as a curator!

RAY: There are too many curators in the world. You're screwed.

SHOSHANNA: You could, like, totally get a pretty person job.

Thomas-John's apartment with Jessa and Hannah.

THOMAS-JOHN:What the fuck are you wearing?

HANNAH: It's a pair of shorteralls. And yeah, I invented that.

JESSA: OMG puppies! What a perfect wedding gift!

HANNAH: Let me stuff one down my shirt.

JESSA: Life is never going to get any better for you.

Hannah and Sandy are making out on Sandy's couch in his impossibly grown-up apartment.

SANDY: Your writing is shit. Nothing is going on. It's vapid.

HANNAH: This opens up a dialogue about MY work and ME and ME and ME. Thanks for talking about ME. I like you.

SANDY: I'm a Republican. My skin may be black, but I'm not.

HANNAH: I don't like you. Let's just be friends.

SANDY: You must leave.

HANNAH: But I wanted to date a black guy and go to a bad part of town!

Marnie and Elijah are in Hannah's apartment.

MARNIE: We have to tell Hannah we slept together! It's the most important thing in the world right now!

ELIJAH: No. Her skin is thick like a hippo, but it's really thin like paper. 

Hannah enters.

MARINE: I got a job as a hostess at a rich old man club!

HANNAH: Whore.

MARNIE: You're just jealous because you can't get a pretty person job.

HANNAH: Well I have my own tv show, biatch!

Hannah's bedroom at night.

ADAM: Boo! I might murder you!

HANNAH: Go away after I give you some milk.

Hannah Dials 9-1-1, but quickly hangs up.

ADAM: I will pursue you because someone must to make you appear attractive.

HANNAH: It's quite the mind-fuck for our viewers. Now go away. 

ADAM: Okay bye.

POLICE OFFICER: We had a 9-1-1- hang up. What is the complaint? I'm so sick of self-absorbed girls thinking their drama is so terrible.

ADAM: You called the po-po on me?!

HANNAH: Um, I want a restraining order.

ADAM: Oh, and maybe I should have filed one when you showed up at my house wearing just knee socks. That shit should be illegal.

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SEASON 2, Episode 3

GIRLS

SEASON 2, Episode 3

Hannah is on an interview at a hip online zine.

JAM, PUBLISHER: We will pay you $200 an article if you do a threesome or a shit ton of cocaine.

HANNAH: Okay.

Front Stoop Sale

JESSA: Please buy our hipster clothes.

HANNAH: You need a permit. I need coke.

Hannah’s apartment building. In creepy neighbor’s apartment.

HANNAH: OMG you have a turtle!

LAIRD, THE CREEPY NEIGHBOR: Would you like some pomegranate juice?

HANNAH: You’re creepy and dirty so you must have cocaine.

Rich old man club.

OLD MAN: You’re a sexy little thing.

MARNIE: I’ll get you a drink!

BOOTH: Why do you work in this sketchy ass place?

MARNIE: Because I’m finding myself.

BOOTH: Let’s have sex.

MARNIE: Okay.

Hannah’s bedroom with cocaine.

ELIJAH: Let me dress you as a girl who fucked her uncle and step-dad.

HANNAH: Only if it shows my thighs, belly, and flabby arms. I need to disgust people.

HANNAH: Let’s draw all over the walls to show we’re high and crazy.

Booth’s studio.

BOOTH: I’m the next Damien Hirst. Let me lock you inside a closet of televisions.

MARNIE: ZOMG ZOMG!

Booth makes a latte and writes some correspondence.

MARNIE: Fuck you. You’re talented.

Greenhouse Club.

ELIJAH: We are young and hot!

HANNAH: Is this children’s shirt small enough? I am a sweaty bitch!

Hannah takes off her shirt and switches tops with a gay man dancing next to her.

HANNAH: A see-through mesh shirt? Awesome! I can be naked for the rest of the episode!

ELIJAH: Your nipples are disgusting. Let’s do some coke.

Elijah and Hannah do lines off of a toilet bowl seat in a bathroom stall.

ELIJAH: I had sex with Marnie and this information must come out while we are coked up.

HANNAH: Did you have an ejaculation? OMG I hate you.

ELIJAH:  I didn’t even come in her, stupid!

Marie just had sex with Booth.

MARNIE: Let me pee so I don’t get a UTI from that crazy sex.

Elijah and Hannah are in a drug store.

HANNAH: If Marnie can have you then so can I! Pucker up!

ELIJAH: You taste like beef jerky.

LAIRD, THE CREEPY NEIGHBOR: Hi, I’m shopping for socks. No, I’m stalking you.

HANNAH: I am perfectly fine in my crazy night of coke fun, thank you very much.

HANNAH: Laird, if you’re gonna creep on us you might as well come with us.

Booth’s studio

Marnie: Yay, I’m his girlfriend!

Elijah, Hannah and Laird knock on the door obnoxiously.

ELIJAH: Is this a bank!?

MARNIE: OMG your nipples are seriously offending me.

HANNAH: I know you slept with my friend Elijah and now I hate you for it because it is the biggest deal in the world and I must magnify it to create conflict.

HANNAH (At Marnie): You lied with your eyes!

MARNIE: Your nipples are still offending me. *Barf*

HANNAH: Elijah you suck and are moving out. You ruined my crazy night of coked-up fun by having crazy coked-up fun.

LAIRD, THE CREEPY NEIGHBOR: Can we have sex now?

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SEASON 2, Episode 4

coming soon

SEASON 2, Episode 5

coming soon

SEASON 2, Episode 6

coming soon

SEASON 2, Episode 7

coming soon

SEASON 2, Episode 8

GIRLS

SEASON 2, Episode 8

Hannah walks down the street and ignores a call from Adam.

SHOSHANNA: I wonder where our co-star Jessa went off to now.

RAY: She’s a hustler. She’ll be fine.

MARNIE: She’s the fucked up, worldly character. So she has to disappear to Africa or something for a little while each season.

SHOSHANNA: (Squeals like a 14-year-old at a One Direction concert) Radika! Omg you’re rollerblading--so vintage!

RADIKA: Come to my party. I’m the richest Hindi you know.

RAY: I’m not going to a college party.

Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

MEETING LEADER: Someone else buy some damn cookies, you selfish bitches!

ADAM: I’m not an alcoholic, but I broke up with my girlfriend and now I’m a mess. I showed her how to use soap!

OLD LADY: Hey honey. You’re tall and honest. Go out on a date with my daughter, Natalia.

ADAM: I’m a creep!

Charlie’s office. Marnie shows up because she needs to see with her own eyes that little Charlie now owns Forbid, a successful tech company.

MARNIE: I was in the neighborhood and didn’t believe you actually accomplished something.

CHARLIE: Okay, how much money do you want?

Outside of a hotel in midtown before going to dinner.

HANNAH’S DADDY: (To Hannah’s Mommy) Our self-involved daughter is always late.

HANNAH’S MOMMY: I love Ann Hatchett.

HANNAH: I’m writing a book. I’m a big deal. I’m also working in an OCD problem into my character. But I’m going to deny it now to have a conflict with you at dinner.

HANNAH’S MOMMY: You were a special little child with a special little disorder.

Shoshanna attends Radika’s party briefly. Then leaves and bumps into the doorman in the lobby.

SHOSHANA: You’re a sexy doorman, let’s have clichéd sex in the mailroom.

Back at Shoshanna’s apartment where Ray and Marnie also live now.

MARNIE: I have my shit together! How could Charlie have his own company! Did he actually work hard?

RAY: Open a burrito factory or get preggers. What is your dream?

MARNIE: I want to be a famous pop star!

RAY: Well, you’re not getting any hotter so go for it now! Hurry up before you age another day.

Doctor’s office with Hannah and her parents.

HANNAH’S DADDY: Our special baby has a special problem.

HANNAH: Yeah, just like when I was anorexic.

HANNAH’S DADDY: Oh come on, I’ve seen you in a bathing suit.

HANNAH’S MOMMY: She was kidding!

PSYCHIATRIST: Why did your parents insist on a same day appointment?

HANNAH: Classic OCD. I researched it in the DSM so I know how to act it out.

PSYCHIATRIST: I wrote a scary children’s book.

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SEASON 2, Episode 9

GIRLS

SEASON 2, Episode 9

NATALIA: That movie was so romantic – just like us! You’re so nice. Let’s have sex now.

ADAM: I love how clear you are to me!

[Sad music plays] Hannah is in an elevator. She pulls at her underwear eight times, pokes inside her ear eight times, etc.

HANNAH’S “BOOK” “PUBLISHER”: Did your hyman grow back? What are you, Jane Austen? Write about your life on your back, stupid.

HANNAH: I had sex with a teenager last month, but I don’t want to get arrested.

HANNAH’S “BOOK” “PUBLISHER”: Turn it into a novel or I’ll fire you.

Shoshanna’s apartment. Ray is wrapped in a girlie blanket.

RAY: I still don’t know why you’re interested. It confounds me!

MARNIE: I’m laying down a track in Garage Band because I’m pursuing my career as a singer. Can you add some bassoon and drums?

RAY: Did you just say bassoon?

Adam and Natalia are getting bad coffee at a deli.

ADAM: I’d rather you be fat and healthy than have rotting insides.

NATALIA: Want to go to an engagement party with me?

Marnie is pissed and waiting at Charlie’s fabulous new office.

MARNIE: We had lunch plans, fool!

CHARLIE: Oh, we hit 20,000 MAUs!

MARNIE: What the fuck is that. I don’t care. But maybe it explains how you have such a beautiful office.

Hannah gets a splinter in her ass from the floor. She pulls it out and slaps a band-aid on it. Poor Hannah.

Hannah then cleans her ear with a Q-tip and punctures the ear drum.

HANNAH: Owwwwwwwww!

HANNAH: (Calls her daddy on the phone): I hurt myself with a Q-tip!

DOCTOR: You’re such a stupid little girl.

HANNAH: Can I keep the Q-tip? I need to keep my weirdness going.

Charlie’s office party.

RAY: Is this for real? Wait, let me answer that: no. Are there prostitutes?

SHOSHANNA: (To Charlie) OMG you’re so hot you can have sex with anyone here.

CHARLIE: (mumbles)

Natalia’s Friend’s Engagement party.

NATALIA’S FRIEND: This girl slept with my cousin so I hate her but I love this fucking girl.

NATALIA: (Points to Adam) He looks like Peter Pan.

Charlie’s office party.

MARNIE: Let me announce to everyone that I have my own downward spiral by singing a song in my awful voice.

RAY: I love Katy Perry.

Outside. Hannah runs into Adam.

HANNAH: Look at me, I punctured my ear! I’m falling apart!

ADAM: Be careful, you idiot.

HANNAH: I’m writing the next great American novel.

ADAM: Ok bye.

Back at Charlie’s office party.

MARNIE: I’m not spiraling! I’m finding myself!

CHARLIE: You’re manic. Kiss me.

SHOSHANNA: I held hands with the doorman!

RAY: That’s okay. I could never score another hot piece of ass like you.

Adam’s filthy apartment.

ADAM: Get down on all fours and crawl like animal. Be a beast with me!

NATALIA: I didn’t shower today so stay out of my ass.

ADAM: Okay. I’ll just get off on you like the classy guy I am.

NATALIA: Not on my dress!!!

ADAM: Sorry for being a beast with no sexual skills.

NATALIA: I can’t believe my mom set me up with a guy from AA.

Hannah’s bathroom. She is holding the bloody Q-Tip.

HANNAH: Let me clean my other ear. I’m trying to get viewers to believe I have an OCD problem worth sympathizing with.

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SEASON 2, Episode 10

GIRLS

Season 2, Episode 10

Hannah sits in bed alone trying to look crazy and have weird tics. She searches the internet for crazy and weird things to emphasize how crazy and weird she is.

[Insert slow and serious light piano music]

HANNAH'S "BOOK" "PUBLISHER" (over the phone): Where is your work? We cut you a check. We need pages. That's all. Good-bye.

HANNAH: But I stuck a Q-tip into my ear drum! There was blood! I am having a personal problem that is very important and indicative of my Dramatic Downward Spiral^TM. 

Marnie and Charlie are getting down.

MARNIE: OMG you're so good at this! You grew up! Yay!

Ray and Shoshanna are getting down.

SHOSHANNA: Hey, you know, I'm just, like, not, like, into it. Will you get out of me. You have no ambition, loser. This is a real issue.

RAY: This is a real issue.

Adam and Natalia are getting down.

NATALIA: I'm not a whore. Go slow. I'm not a whore.

ADAM: Sigh.

Hannah calls her daddy.

HANNAH: I'm really crazy and weird and I am breaking down. Help me, daddy, help me. My fake publisher might sue me because I am not driven and motivated enough to actually succeed at something! Please give me money!

HANNAH'S DADDY: I'm sorry sugarplum, but we cannot lend you any money. You must suffer to make the show more believable.

HANNAH: Wahhhhh!

Marnie and Charlie have brunch.

MARNIE: Great, we're like old people and we can settle down now. Thank god I can start having babies now that you're somehow an overnight success. 

CHARLIE: Um, what.

MARNIE: So you really don't want to date me, bitch? Then fine!

Marnie storms out.

CHARLIE: Hey, wait, I'm a little pussy so of course I'm going to chase after you.

MARNIE: I just want to make you snacks and have your little brown babies and watch you die.

CHARLIE: I'm not brown, but I love you. I try to get away, but I keep coming back so it must mean I love you.

MARNIE: I don't love you for your money, I swear!

CHARLIE: Well, it's a lot of money.

They embrace in a hug and kiss.

["Bad-ass motherfucker" music plays for ten seconds]

RAY: That's it, I have to go get my PhD in Latin Studies so that my girlfriend thinks I have motivation.

RAY'S BOSS: Nah, that shit is for the weekends. I'm opening a new Grumpy's store in Brooklyn Heights.

RAY: Classy shit. I'm in!

Hannah is rolling around in her apartment.

HANNAH: Oh no, I have to take responsibility for myself. That's it, I can barely move. Let me give myself a deliberately horrendous haircut to make viewers see how much I am unraveling. Let me knock on my creepy neighbor's door to show how desperate and unraveling I am.

HANNAH: Look at me, I'm just wasting away!

LAIRD THE CREEPY NEIGHBOR: Uh, no, you're still pretty chunky, Shamu. But I'll still hit on you.

HANNAH: No, I can't have sex with you!

LAIRD THE CREEPY NEIGHBOR: You're the most self-involved, presumptuous person I have ever met. Your insides are rotten!

HANNAH: I'm sorry, I didn't think of you as a person.

LAIRD THE CREEPY NEIGHBOR: You're right, I'm just a character foil to emphasize your Dramatic Downward Spiral^TM.

Shoshanna’s impossibly large studio apartment.

SHOSHANNA: I love you so much but I feel like sometimes you're just a monkey, like, banging on a cage. You need therapy.

RAY: I don't need fucking therapy.

SHOSHANNA: You're just so negative and I'm trying to grow into a human. You hate people and relatives, and I really just want to have babies and not working. Your soul is black.

ADAM: Maybe you have to change. I am the show's misanthrope! Of course I have a black soul!

SHOSHANNA: Poor me! (Cries)

Adam’s apartment.

ADAM: [Smashes furniture with a bat] Look how messed up I am! Look at how damaged I am! Look at me! So broken and sad!

Hannah calls Adam to have video facetime chat.

HANNAH: I'm so scared and broken and sad. Please come save me so we can give our viewers some closure. We really need to make people feel good to justify having season three.

Adam runs miles and miles without a shirt on to reach his true love, Hannah. ["Love is triumphant" music for 10 seconds].

Adam breaks down Hannah's door because there might be a fire or rapist behind there. Oh wait, no there isn't. But we need that gravitas to make the scene look important!

HANNAH: I love you!

ADAM: I love you!

He scoops her up and kisses her with some feeling.

The End!!!

["Happy day!" music over the credits to make viewers feel good]

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