SEASON 2, Episode 10

GIRLS

Season 2, Episode 10

Hannah sits in bed alone trying to look crazy and have weird tics. She searches the internet for crazy and weird things to emphasize how crazy and weird she is.

[Insert slow and serious light piano music]

HANNAH'S "BOOK" "PUBLISHER" (over the phone): Where is your work? We cut you a check. We need pages. That's all. Good-bye.

HANNAH: But I stuck a Q-tip into my ear drum! There was blood! I am having a personal problem that is very important and indicative of my Dramatic Downward Spiral^TM. 

Marnie and Charlie are getting down.

MARNIE: OMG you're so good at this! You grew up! Yay!

Ray and Shoshanna are getting down.

SHOSHANNA: Hey, you know, I'm just, like, not, like, into it. Will you get out of me. You have no ambition, loser. This is a real issue.

RAY: This is a real issue.

Adam and Natalia are getting down.

NATALIA: I'm not a whore. Go slow. I'm not a whore.

ADAM: Sigh.

Hannah calls her daddy.

HANNAH: I'm really crazy and weird and I am breaking down. Help me, daddy, help me. My fake publisher might sue me because I am not driven and motivated enough to actually succeed at something! Please give me money!

HANNAH'S DADDY: I'm sorry sugarplum, but we cannot lend you any money. You must suffer to make the show more believable.

HANNAH: Wahhhhh!

Marnie and Charlie have brunch.

MARNIE: Great, we're like old people and we can settle down now. Thank god I can start having babies now that you're somehow an overnight success. 

CHARLIE: Um, what.

MARNIE: So you really don't want to date me, bitch? Then fine!

Marnie storms out.

CHARLIE: Hey, wait, I'm a little pussy so of course I'm going to chase after you.

MARNIE: I just want to make you snacks and have your little brown babies and watch you die.

CHARLIE: I'm not brown, but I love you. I try to get away, but I keep coming back so it must mean I love you.

MARNIE: I don't love you for your money, I swear!

CHARLIE: Well, it's a lot of money.

They embrace in a hug and kiss.

["Bad-ass motherfucker" music plays for ten seconds]

RAY: That's it, I have to go get my PhD in Latin Studies so that my girlfriend thinks I have motivation.

RAY'S BOSS: Nah, that shit is for the weekends. I'm opening a new Grumpy's store in Brooklyn Heights.

RAY: Classy shit. I'm in!

Hannah is rolling around in her apartment.

HANNAH: Oh no, I have to take responsibility for myself. That's it, I can barely move. Let me give myself a deliberately horrendous haircut to make viewers see how much I am unraveling. Let me knock on my creepy neighbor's door to show how desperate and unraveling I am.

HANNAH: Look at me, I'm just wasting away!

LAIRD THE CREEPY NEIGHBOR: Uh, no, you're still pretty chunky, Shamu. But I'll still hit on you.

HANNAH: No, I can't have sex with you!

LAIRD THE CREEPY NEIGHBOR: You're the most self-involved, presumptuous person I have ever met. Your insides are rotten!

HANNAH: I'm sorry, I didn't think of you as a person.

LAIRD THE CREEPY NEIGHBOR: You're right, I'm just a character foil to emphasize your Dramatic Downward Spiral^TM.

Shoshanna’s impossibly large studio apartment.

SHOSHANNA: I love you so much but I feel like sometimes you're just a monkey, like, banging on a cage. You need therapy.

RAY: I don't need fucking therapy.

SHOSHANNA: You're just so negative and I'm trying to grow into a human. You hate people and relatives, and I really just want to have babies and not working. Your soul is black.

ADAM: Maybe you have to change. I am the show's misanthrope! Of course I have a black soul!

SHOSHANNA: Poor me! (Cries)

Adam’s apartment.

ADAM: [Smashes furniture with a bat] Look how messed up I am! Look at how damaged I am! Look at me! So broken and sad!

Hannah calls Adam to have video facetime chat.

HANNAH: I'm so scared and broken and sad. Please come save me so we can give our viewers some closure. We really need to make people feel good to justify having season three.

Adam runs miles and miles without a shirt on to reach his true love, Hannah. ["Love is triumphant" music for 10 seconds].

Adam breaks down Hannah's door because there might be a fire or rapist behind there. Oh wait, no there isn't. But we need that gravitas to make the scene look important!

HANNAH: I love you!

ADAM: I love you!

He scoops her up and kisses her with some feeling.

The End!!!

["Happy day!" music over the credits to make viewers feel good]

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